Dads: "Girls Just Want to Have Fun ...

... but not my daughter. No funny business until she's 30. What's it to you, anyway? You some kind of pervert or somethin'?"

Men everywhere band together to defend their little girls from who else? Other men. Life seems fair and balanced until a baby girl in a pink dress shows up, and now you feel as though the number of wolves vs. sheep is suddenly disproportionate.

That's right, Naughty Gentlemen: not returning phone calls, dumping girls at the last minute because Plan A comes through, showing up at parents' houses with less-than-Martha-approved manners, broken promises, unwanted whistling/touching towards waitresses and retail saleswomen--all of these actions seemed so harmless, didn't they? In fact, even when you were caught, the consequences seemed so mild compared to the rewards. But what if that girl dumped on Valentine's Day was your little girl? What would you think of that young man's cavalier ways now, eh?

To the Rest of the Gentlemen: You may have never noticed when a qualified woman at your workplace was underpaid, or it may have never bothered you that half-naked, starved women advertise every product everywhere. Now you'll experience the way young girls and young women see the world. When your daughter stares longingly at a skinny actress on the cover of InStyle or People, you may have the urge to comment for the first time, "Can you believe this girl? Put some clothes on!" If your daughter shows strengths in male-dominated areas, your sense of fairness and equal opportunity may seem to elevate. If so, good for you! If you're a good guy, chances are, your daughter will have high standards for future fellows.

I say all this because today a sonogram showed my brother/his wife will be bringing a little girl into the world in the spring. To my brother I would like to say, "Muahhahahaha! Now you will see what it's like to play defense!" Really, though, Gabe: protect her, defend her, and release her--in that order. Congratulations, Gabe & Angelica.