Gold Earrings

Tim is already shaking his head, I know.

Sure, he could buy me baby blankets, bottles, parenting books, and all typical MTB gear to help me be a good mom, but what I need most is a pair of large, gold earrings. I mean, straight-out-of -the-Bronx, large gold hoops.

This is my last week working at a preschool program, and as my final day approaches, I am reflecting on the experience. There were good times and scary times, but most of all, the program taught me solid principles about parenting. One thing I've learned is that some parents are afraid to parent. There are children who can scream, hit, and spit in their parents' faces and expect a timid, "Honey, please don't do that," from mom and dad. These parents are the ones who pick up their child immediately after class and never ask, "How did he behave?" Mainly, because they sense the reply will be, "Um, the same way he does at home: like a murderous villain."

It's not that these kids were born with a demon gene, it's that parents (a) don't bother teaching their kids the ABCs, let alone the Ps & Qs, (b) think it's 'cute' when kids cuss ... until they're 12-years-old yelling, "Where's my $&*%$#! allowance?", or (c) are too wimpy to discipline their kids.

This is why moms need large hoop earrings. The first time a kid gets mouthy, give her a warning. The second time, take 'em to timeout. The 3rd time, take her to timeout again, but this is just for show, because any kid who has pushed it this far is clearly willing to go all the way. The 4th time, make sure Mom puts on her gold earrings.

Working her neck from side to side (bonus points if the earrings jangle), she should, with one eyebrow raised, say, "I thought I told you to watch your mouth. Can you do that, or do I need to HELP you??"

Silence.

Do this once or twice, and that kid will learn that Mom is a loving and fair, but when her earrings come on, the gloves come off.