There's an episode of Friends where Rachel takes a pregnancy test to find out if she's pregnant. She is so distraught about the possibilities that she asks Phoebe to look and tell her what the results are. It goes something like this:
Phoebe: Umm, it’s negative.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: It’s negative.
Rachel: Oh. Oh. Well there you go. Whew! That is—that’s great—that is really great-great news. Y’know ‘cause the whole not being ready and kinda the financial aspects, all that. Whew. Wow, this is so just the way it was supposed to be. (*starts to cry*)
Rachel continues to cry, and her friends try to comfort her.
Rachel: Thanks. This is so stupid! How could I be upset over something I never had? It’s negative?
Phoebe: No, it’s positive.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: It’s-it’s not negative, it’s positive.
Rachel: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well yeah, I lied before.
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: Now you know how you really feel about it.
Rachel: Oh-oh, that’s a risky little game!
And so we learn that Rachel is pregnant, and she's happy about it. Which brings us back to my strenuous exercise plan ...
While trying to accelerate my workout plan, a feeling crept upon me that something was amiss. It was a whisper, and I was embarrassed to acknowledge it. I could not possibly be pregnant, and it was silly to entertain the idea any further. I tried to ignore the fact that I felt guilty. What if, I thought, I'm raising my heart rate like this, and I'm really--shh! I could not be pregnant, so silence that crazy talk!
After a day or two, the guilt overcame me. I called my doctor and said, "Can I go ahead and have blood work done? You know, to make sure that conditions are good for a pregnancy?" I was too pink-cheeked to even hint that I thought I was pregnant. I came in shortly after that and had 4 vials of blood taken for testing. Afterwards, I went to a burger joint by myself and ate lunch. I pulled out a pocket calendar and deduced my unconfirmed baby would be born around May. I hid the calendar.
My doctor called a few days later. He explained my blood work results were great: no diseases, no abnormal readings, nothing unusual--everything was great. He didn't so much as mumble the word pregnant.
"Oh," was all I could say. I told the doctor I was worried because I hadn't had a cycle, and I wanted to check if everything was OK. He explained to me that it could be 6 months before I was regular, so I shouldn't be bothered about it. I didn't tell him anything about my now ridiculous suspicions. I felt silly, actually, and I let Tim know that I had wasted our time. I said it gently, because no matter what I wanted to believe, he seemed a bit disappointed.
Over the next two weeks, my body continued to be unresponsive in the gym. I was nauseous for several moments each day, and I figured it was punishment for trying to force my body to work hard. The more I tried to beat my heart into submission, the worse I felt. My feeling of guilt returned. One Wednesday night, I asked Tim if we could stop by the grocery store. I explained to him, as casually as I could, that I would like to purchase a pregnancy test. I told him that it was a practice run, so I would "know how to do it when the time comes." Tim, good man that he is, didn't require much explanation beyond that. Part of me felt crazy for wasting more money and time on an idea that couldn't possibly be true, but I couldn't let it go.
I took the test. "This thing is broken," I told Tim after five minutes had passed. "We'll have to get another one. It's got to have a plus sign in one window and a vertical line in the other if you're pregnant, I think. Mine has this faint plus sign in one window and a horizontal line in the other. I guess that means 'minus' like negative?"
"You have a plus sign and a second line?" Tim said. "The second line only shows up if you're pregnant."
"It doesn't need to be a negative sign like 'no'?"
"No. You're pregnant."
I stared at Tim.
Phoebe: Umm, it’s negative.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: It’s negative.
Rachel: Oh. Oh. Well there you go. Whew! That is—that’s great—that is really great-great news. Y’know ‘cause the whole not being ready and kinda the financial aspects, all that. Whew. Wow, this is so just the way it was supposed to be. (*starts to cry*)
Rachel continues to cry, and her friends try to comfort her.
Rachel: Thanks. This is so stupid! How could I be upset over something I never had? It’s negative?
Phoebe: No, it’s positive.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: It’s-it’s not negative, it’s positive.
Rachel: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well yeah, I lied before.
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: Now you know how you really feel about it.
Rachel: Oh-oh, that’s a risky little game!
And so we learn that Rachel is pregnant, and she's happy about it. Which brings us back to my strenuous exercise plan ...
While trying to accelerate my workout plan, a feeling crept upon me that something was amiss. It was a whisper, and I was embarrassed to acknowledge it. I could not possibly be pregnant, and it was silly to entertain the idea any further. I tried to ignore the fact that I felt guilty. What if, I thought, I'm raising my heart rate like this, and I'm really--shh! I could not be pregnant, so silence that crazy talk!
After a day or two, the guilt overcame me. I called my doctor and said, "Can I go ahead and have blood work done? You know, to make sure that conditions are good for a pregnancy?" I was too pink-cheeked to even hint that I thought I was pregnant. I came in shortly after that and had 4 vials of blood taken for testing. Afterwards, I went to a burger joint by myself and ate lunch. I pulled out a pocket calendar and deduced my unconfirmed baby would be born around May. I hid the calendar.
My doctor called a few days later. He explained my blood work results were great: no diseases, no abnormal readings, nothing unusual--everything was great. He didn't so much as mumble the word pregnant.
"Oh," was all I could say. I told the doctor I was worried because I hadn't had a cycle, and I wanted to check if everything was OK. He explained to me that it could be 6 months before I was regular, so I shouldn't be bothered about it. I didn't tell him anything about my now ridiculous suspicions. I felt silly, actually, and I let Tim know that I had wasted our time. I said it gently, because no matter what I wanted to believe, he seemed a bit disappointed.
Over the next two weeks, my body continued to be unresponsive in the gym. I was nauseous for several moments each day, and I figured it was punishment for trying to force my body to work hard. The more I tried to beat my heart into submission, the worse I felt. My feeling of guilt returned. One Wednesday night, I asked Tim if we could stop by the grocery store. I explained to him, as casually as I could, that I would like to purchase a pregnancy test. I told him that it was a practice run, so I would "know how to do it when the time comes." Tim, good man that he is, didn't require much explanation beyond that. Part of me felt crazy for wasting more money and time on an idea that couldn't possibly be true, but I couldn't let it go.
I took the test. "This thing is broken," I told Tim after five minutes had passed. "We'll have to get another one. It's got to have a plus sign in one window and a vertical line in the other if you're pregnant, I think. Mine has this faint plus sign in one window and a horizontal line in the other. I guess that means 'minus' like negative?"
"You have a plus sign and a second line?" Tim said. "The second line only shows up if you're pregnant."
"It doesn't need to be a negative sign like 'no'?"
"No. You're pregnant."
I stared at Tim.
"This thing is broken. I'll just go to the doctor and get tested. Cheap home pregnancy test!" I did not get but an hour or two of sleep that night.
The next day I was tested. Turns out that of all the blood tests that were run on me two weeks before, none of them were pregnancy tests. I was, and had been for six weeks, pregnant. Was the medical community faulty, or am I simply a genius? Think what you will, but I must run along now; I'm completing my application to Mensa.
THE END
7 comments:
thanks for the read liz! i had been wondering how you teo found out you were pregnant :)
errr... "been wondering how you two found out"
Well, there you have it, then, straight from the horse's--um, dazzling mare's--mouth.
I notice how we leave out mention of the time in which we found out about the baby was suspicoulsy a month or so after a certain bet was set to be won....yes this was all a part of your master plan.
I'll have you know, Miss Stacey, that I did not mention said bet so that I could hide your habit of rash gambling, but SINCE you insist on addressing the issue, I shall blog about it soon enough. Naughty thing! :)
Be sure to mention that you and Tim are Scam Artists!!!!!!!!!!!
Scam artists? Oh, Stace, don't make me edit the story 'til you come off as the mean girl on a Survivor episode! :) But, aren't you curious as to what we did with the money? You'll soon find out.
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