BAMBINO 911!

Like all overzealous new parents, Tim & I have signed up for a variety of infant care classes. We took Infant CPR, our first class, last week.

Anyone who has ever taken an infant CPR class, at some point, probably had the same thought that I did. You realize that your holding a doll, and since there isn't any emergency, it's hard to say seriously the statements you're supposed to shout with your fellow classmates ("The scene is clear!" and "Call 911 and get an AED now!"). At some point, Tim exerted so much pressure on a doll during the compressions that he broke the child's chest pump. I said, "You broke our baby!", but he claimed it was already broken. Strange, it seemed fine when I used it ...

The couple in front of us only brought out more of my infantile behaviour. They were first-time parents themselves, and the man seemed really IN to acting as though we were in the ER. Even his wife seemed to cringe when he sincerely prodded the baby with, "Are you OK? Are you OK?" I toyed with the thought of sputtering, "She's still not breathing--more compressions, doctor!"

Maybe I was uncomfortable, and that was why I kept grinning. I mean, my first reaction to an emergency is to call 911. I have never saved anyone's life, and I don't even like the thought of trying to. I feel like I'd be more of a hindrance than a help, and someone with a broken bone would end up with a brain hemorrhage. With a baby, there's no time to call 911. Our instructor told us that once a baby stops breathing he can be brain dead within 5-7 minutes, so we're pretty much on our own until someone else can get help. What? If I had wanted to be a doctor, I would've learned to write illegibly years ago!

Truth is, I don't have any confidence in my ability to carry out the seemingly simple steps of CPR. I don't even like the seats near emergency exits in airplanes for the very same reason. The guilt of failing to save someone's life seems catastrophic. The joke is, I'd feel twice as bad if I had never taken CPR and had to say, "If only I had known how ..." Ugh! I pray sometimes that I will be strong enough to do what I have to when the time comes, and in the end, I guess that's all I can do.

We have our next class tomorrow; it's on breastfeeding. If they have mannequins, I'll warn the instructor about Tim. He hee ...