Upon Further Inspection ...

Those of you who haven't realized that breasts are really drink dispensers and not just props for beer ads should not read further; the practicalities of breastfeeding will be too much for you to bear.

So, yesterday the whole crew assembled for Breastfeeding class. "Whole crew" includes me (and the baby, of course), Tim, the couple from last week (the one with the overzealous CPR dad), and a second couple from our class last week. I like this second couple, by the way, because they seem just as clueless as Tim & I.

We walk into class, and the first thing I notice is that all the other couples have a pillow or Boppy ( a C-shaped pillow specifically designed for breastfeeding). I just stare at Tim and mentally count how many times I had asked him if he was sure we didn't have to bring any supplies to this class. Three, at least.

"Ask her if we can borrow one," I whispered, disappointed that we already looked like slacker parents.

But, Tim didn't move. He kept clinging to the hope that maybe the first two couples in the room with pillows were simply bedding fanatics and that, in actuality, no pillow was required. Even when every couple who came in had pillows, Tim still wouldn't ask for an extra. More on that later.

Five minutes into the class, the second couple from our class last week walked in apologizing for their tardiness. They carried no pillows--sweet! Anyway, after spending ten minutes discussing the benefits of breastfeeding (it does everything from providing antibodies for the baby to solving world peace), it was time to get down to the nitty gritty. We watched a video of smiling mothers happily nursing their children. They made it seem so simple and even reminded us, "If breastfeeding is unpleasant, it's because it's being done incorrectly." Ouch. We held our mannequin babies and got to work. In summation, this is what I learned:

1. Holding my own chest to mimic a feeding isn't half as embarrassing as it seems. Then again, I wasn't standing on stage doing a demo, I was in a room of women doing the same thing.
2. I could sense the absolute frustration that could overtake a new mom if the feeding isn't going well. She can end up sore, weepy, and sending her spouse to the store for formula ASAP.
3. Babies use only a smattering of diapers the first few days (their tummies are only the size of marbles). After that, the chutes are opened, and you'll be shelling out cash for 12-20 diapers a day.
4. BONUS: A woman loses hundreds of calories during each feeding, so pregnancy weight comes off faster!

At that point, the instructor asked for two "coaches" to help demonstrate how to use a breast pump. I nudged Tim upwards (recall: I was still miffed about our lack of pillows), and he went. The next few minutes need little explanation, just simple math: Tim + electric breast pump + balloon = giggles for me. When the instructor increased the speed of the pump, you could almost hear "Old MacDonald" playing. Now I know why utters look the way they do; perhaps they were perky at one time, but ...

Tim got a free bag of baby goodies for being a good sport, and to him it seemed a fair wage. In all honesty, he really did his best to pay attention during the entire class and be helpful. It's hard to be spiteful when he demonstrates genuine effort. But, no worries; there's more opportunity for high jinks! Next week: Child Preparation (pillows required).