Former Bedfellows

Me: "Sleep, where have you been? I waited all night for you, and you never showed up."
Sleep: "Sorry."
Me: "That's all you have to say? I've always fallen asleep faster than anyone you've known, so show a little respect."
Sleep: "OK, OK. It's just that things are complicated right now, and I've been trying to avoid it, but ... Fine, here it is: I'm leaving, and I won't be back for a while."
Me: "Whoa, whoa, slow down. There's no reason to talk crazy here. Why don't we both just calm down and talk this over a nice cup of tea?"
Sleep: "You know I don't do caffeine."
Me: "Sorry. We haven't been spending much time together, and you know I can't think clearly without you."
Sleep: "Face it, Dowdel. With your sore back, cramping, pelvic discomfort, and constant need to visit the toilet all night, how do you expect us to spend quality time anyway?"
Me: "Oh, Sleep, Buddy, let's be fair--"
Sleep: "Don't 'Sleep Buddy' me! I did what I could, OK? Every time I got us going in a sweet REM cycle, you know who started kicking us like a legion of showgirls!"
Me: "Oh, don't bring the baby into this!"
Sleep: "(S)he's kicking right now, isn't (s)he?"
Me: "Not exactly ... more like nudging, or gently tapping ..."
Sleep: "Oh, please! I'm leaving tonight, and that's all there is to it. Look, you knew this was going to happen. We've hardly spent any time together lately, and it's time for me to move on. There are so many others who need me right now: truckers, college kids finished with exams, Martha Stewart."
Me: "But, but, but--"
Sleep: "Don't worry; this isn't 'goodbye' forever. I'll be back, and we can be best friends, just like we were before."
Me: "Really?"
Sleep: "Sure. For now, though, you may want to stock up on DVDs--late night TV isn't the most quality stuff, you know?"
Me: "Yeah. Thanks for sticking around as long as you did, by the way. It means a lot to me."
Sleep: "No problem, old friend. Good night."
Me: "Very funny."
Sleep: "Sorry, couldn't help it."